


LET ME BE THE ONE

by soonhaee



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29285547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soonhaee/pseuds/soonhaee
Summary: Soonyoung could feel it. He could feel the irritation every time he calls him, that slight frown decorating his face, the strain in his voice every time he unwillingly answers a question, the annoyance when Soonyoung laughs out loud, and even when he says i love you.Soonyoung could see it clearly in Jihoon’s eyes. Jihoon thinks he could hide it, but Soonyoung could see and hear them clearly. He could see just how much Jihoon was itching to move away from his hugs, how he moves away his hands whenever Soonyoung tries to hold them, how his eyes fills with irritation when Soonyoung gets a little too loud and too close.It was clear. Jihoon was unhappy. He could feel Jihoon slowly drifting away from him, and the waves were too strong for Soonyoung to fight.How does one fight when the person you’re fighting for does not even want you to?
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 18
Kudos: 66





	1. A Promise

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this some time ago when a friend suggested that I listen to Falling by Harry Styles. I just didn't publish it because I think it wasn't my style as far as the plot is concerned. If you've read my stories, I tend to for lack of better term, overcomplicate things. But it's still angst so, it's right down my alley. I decided to post this because I feel that the soonhoon tag is hitting a dry spell at the moment. Hope everyone enjoys! Thank you!

Soonyoung could feel it. He could feel the irritation every time he calls him, that slight frown decorating his face, the strain in his voice every time he unwillingly answers a question, the annoyance when Soonyoung laughs out loud, and even when he says i love you. Soonyoung could see it clearly in Jihoon’s eyes. Jihoon thinks he could hide it, but Soonyoung could see and hear them clearly. He could see just how much Jihoon was itching to move away from his hugs, how he moves away his hands whenever Soonyoung tries to hold them, how his eyes fills with irritation when Soonyoung gets a little too loud and too close.

It was clear. Jihoon was unhappy. He could feel Jihoon slowly drifting away from him, and the waves were too strong for Soonyoung to fight. How does one fight when the person you’re fighting for does not even want you to?

They have been together since their trainee days. Jihoon was the star trainee that everyone admired. He had been with the company for a year when Soonyoung came. Soonyoung had always admired the boy who stood as their performance leader during their trainee days. It wasn't love at first sight.

Their love develop over long hours of practicing in the dance studio, over hundreds of song they needed to learn and lyrics to memorize, sleepless nights, exhausting days, and through the pressure of achieving their dreams. Sharing the same burdens and passion brought them closer. There were many trainees with them, but no one bonded like both of them did.

It was Soonyoung's third year as a trainee and Jihoon's fourth when they realized that their friendship was beginning to feel like something else. The friendly little touches became heart fluttering. A stolen glance here and there, a blush when caught. There was giddiness that wasn't there before. There was also fear, but the unknown feeling was so overwhelming, that fear had taken the back burner.

Surprisingly, it was Jihoon who made the first move. They were exhausted from practice and everyone around them was already sleeping. Soonyoung whose bed was in the second deck would always transfer to Jihoon's bed which was below his. They often fall asleep together just talking about their plans and vision for the team. But that night was different, Soonyoung was too shy. There were a lot of confusing thoughts running around his mind, one that had to do with the younger boy in the bottom bed. He was busy counting Seokmin's snore, who was sleeping in the upper bed beside him, when he felt someone tug his blanket. It was Jihoon, eyes filled with question. Jihoon lie beside Soonyoung who moved to give Jihoon space. It was Jihoon who first broke the silence that seemed to dragged on.

"Is there something wrong?" He whispered that Soonyoung almost didn't hear him amidst Seokmin's loud snores.

"What do you mean?"

_Today at practice, you seem weird. During dinner you took the seat all the way at the end and hardly glance at me. Now, you didn't even try forcibly shove yourself in my bed._

That was what Jihoon wanted to say, but instead said:

_"_ Nothing."

_I think I feel something for you, not just as a friend. I keep wanting to hold your hand._ Soonyoung wanted to say but didn't. Instead he moved on his side to face Jihoon who was staring at the ceiling. He knew what Jihoon was asking. That was them, they knew things without the other having to verbalize them.

"I think I just overdid it at practice. Why did you miss me?" Soonyoung teased. He loved teasing Jihoon. He loved making Jihoon blush.

"What if I did?" Jihoon answered and move to his side facing Soonyoung. "Nobody was there to cool my rice down for me."

Soonyoung laughed but Jihoon flicked his forehead.

"Shut up! You'll wake the others." Jihoon reprimanded but couldn't help but be endeared with Soonyoung's laughters. It always made him feel better than he actually did. When Soonyoung's laughters died down, silence had overtaken the room. Their eyes met for a second, and Soonyoung stopped breathing for a second. When Jihoon leaned closer, Soonyoung closed his eyes. Then he felt it. A soft peck on his lips. It felt so faint that he thought he imagined it happened for a second. But tinge of red on Jihoon's cheeks and ears told him otherwise.

It was their first kiss.

They spent a year stealing glances, brushing of hands, and if they were feeling brave, a kiss for good night. They didn’t talk about what they were or why. They just felt the need to be close to each other, so they did. Soonyoung couldn’t not find the courage to confess, so Jihoon courageously took the initiative.

They were in their beds surrounded by their sleeping teammates when Jihoon started softly singing:

_“_ So what I mean is, I want to know all of you

I'll sing you, u hoo, I'll sing you, u hoo

Even if my lips are dry, I need to say this baby

I adore you, I adore you, enough to get dizzy”

"What song is that?" Soonyoung asked.

"A song I'm working on." Jihoon replied. He didn't quite know how to tell Soonyoung how he felt, so he made a song. The only problem now was he didn't know how to tell Soonyoung that the song was for him.

"It sounds nice. It'll sound better upbeat." Soonyoung suggested and Jihoon agreed. Soonyoung could do the choreography, he thought. He could write a lot of songs and he knew Soonyoung would beautifully draft a choreography for each of them.

"I adore you, I adore you, enough to get dizzy." Jihoon sang again. This time he adjusted his position that he was lying side ways looking at Soonyoung.

"Yeah, it sounds catchy." Soonyoung praised. Jihoon took Sonyoung's hand in his, startling the other boy into looking at him.

"No, I'm telling you." Jihoon blushed. "I adore you, and you make me dizzy, in good way."

Soonyoung's breath hitched with Jihoon's confession. He knew they have been skirting around the issue for a while now, not one of them having the courage to verbalize their feelings. The confession made him dizzy with happiness.

"If you don't--" Jihoon started when he noticed Soonyoung didn't immediately respond to his confession.

"I do!" Soonyoung yelled in panic.

"Hush!" Jihoon covered Soonyoung's mouth with his hand when he noticed Chan in the bed beside Soonyoung, stirring. "Stop trying to wake up the whole house."

Soonyoung nodded but Jihoon could see that he was too excited to settle down. When he was sure that Soonyoung would not make a noise, he replaced his hand with his lips, earning a gasp from Soonyoung. Their kisses had always been innocent pecks, a boop on the nose, stolen kisses on the cheeks, and forehead kisses before falling asleep. But Soonyoung felt that it was different this time when he felt Jihoon slightly opening his mouth to capture Soonyoung's upper lip, making him tremble with giddiness. Jihoon's tongue brushed softly on his lower lips, seeking entrance, and when he granted the request, he couldn't help but moan into the kiss. Jihoon's gentle hands on his hips sent tingles down to Soonyoung's spine.

Jihoon tasted like toothpaste, Soonyoung thought, and he liked it.

It took all of Jihoon's strength to break the kiss, but he needed to because he wanted to ask Soonyoung something. They were breathless when their lips separated.

"Soonyoung, I'm in love with you." Jihoon whispered with their lips still softly brushing against each other's. His hand found its way to Soonyoung's face, softly brushing the tinge of red that decorated the other boy's cheeks.

Jihoon moved in order to speak more clearly. He took a deep breath and tried to remember the speech he had been practicing for the past couple of days.

"I was hoping we could try for something more real and steady. I'm sure that I won't want anything and anyone but you. I am happiest when I'm with you. This feeling, I know it won't go away ever. You're all I ever want. You complete me. So, will-- will you be my boyfriend?"

Soonyoung's heart jumped when he heard the question. He knew Jihoon liked him, but he thought love was just a dream, a wishful thinking. But that dream is becoming into reality and he couldn’t be happier. Jihoon was in love with him, and at the moment that’s what the most important.

"Yes, I'd like that. I love you too, Jihoonie." Soonyoung answered. "You're also all I'd ever want forever.

"Yes, forever." They sealed their promised with a kiss.

Their young hearts promised forever but sometimes, promises are meant to be broken.


	2. ABSENCE

Soonyoung stared at the untouched fried chicken, a variation of pasta, the warm cola, the cold seaweed soup, and the melted candle on a cake. He spent the entire day decorating their dorm with variations of birthday streamers. He also spent the day preparing for his birthday present. A surprise for the birthday boy. Too bad he didn't get to see any of it. Jihoon didn't show up for his own birthday party.

"I'm sure something came up." Jeonghan said. He was the only one brave enough to say something, while the rest of the members stayed quiet. They have been waiting for three hours already. Everyone, except for Soonyoung had accepted the fact, that Jihoon wasn't coming. 

"Let's just eat hyung. I-- I think everything came out okay thanks to Mingyu." Soonyoung said while he tried to smile, but it was evident just how much devastated he was. "I think I'm going to go lie down. Help yourself to the food. Good night."

Soonyoung walked to his room in silence. It was the first time in all their years of being together that he didn't get to spend Jihoon's birthday with him. He tried to call Jihoon but his calls went straight to voicemail. After probably the hundredth time that night, he finally gave up. He changed into his pajamas and decided to lock the door. He never locks it, especially when he knew Jihoon was coming home late. He'd sleep early and wake up with Jihoon beside him. But that night, also for the first time in years, he wanted to be alone. 

He buried himself in his blanket and tried to muffle his cries with a pillow. He could feel it. Bit by bit, they were falling apart no matter how much he tried to keep it together. The crack just keeps getting bigger and he didn't know what to do about it because he didn't even know what cause it in the first place. He tried to remember when it started but could not. They were okay, and then they weren't. They were inseparable, until they weren't. They were happy, until Jihoon wasn't. 

He woke up the next day with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. He stared at the wall for a couple of minutes, not knowing what to do next. They just had a come back, so there was nothing much on his plate at the moment. He could go to home for a few days, but he didn't want his parents to see him that way. He could stay in the dorm, but Jihoon was in the other room and his members would be worried. He sigh and forced himself to get up. He looked for his phone and plugged it to his charger before heading to take a shower. 

"Soons? Do you want to spend the day with me?" Jeonghan asked from the kitchen, which was uncharacteristically clean. Mingyu must have cleaned last night after he went to bed. 

"What do you have in mind?" 

"We could have lunch outside or here. It doesn't matter." Jeonghan answered. "We have the dorm all to ourselves."

"Oh." Soonyoung expected Jihoon to be home by now. He was even hoping for Jihoon to wake him up and profusely apologize for missing his birthday party that Soonyoung carefully planned. But he knew it was just wishful thinking. These days, Jihoon couldn't be bothered with a simple apology, even of how greatly he hurt Soonyoung.

"I'm sure he's--" Jeonghan tried to give some sort of excuse but Soonyoung beat him to it.

“He’s not here. I’m sure he doesn't really mind whether I get hurt or not. I'm sure he wasn't even interested in this birthday party. I'm sure that we're falling apart. I'm sure that he doesn't love me any more." Soonyoung quietly said. He tried so much to keep his voice from showing just how much he’s hurt, but he couldn’t help the tears. He took a deep breath trying to stop the constricting feeling in his throat and chest. “I’m sure hyung. No need to give excuses for people who just doesn't care, at least not anymore.”

"Soonyoung..."

But Soonyoung was no longer listening and was heading back to his room, the plans of showering already forgotten. He might as well nurse his broken heart in his room, since nobody's going to be there. He was heart broken, and he has nowhere to go to wallow in pain. He buried his face on his pillows trying to muffle his sobs. 

It hurt. Soonyoung thought they were meant to be together forever. He thought that what they went through had made their relationship strong. But he was wrong. He’d been feeling it for weeks. Jihoon had fallen out of love for him. He just kept on making excuses for him and just kept on lying to himself because he was afraid to lose Jihoon, but he already did. Soonyoung knew he was just delaying the inevitable. It was Jihoon who took the courage to confess, maybe it’s now his turn to do the same. Maybe it’s his turn to take the courage to let go… to break up.


	3. LETTING GO

A week after, Soonyoung caught Jihoon in his studio, head bowed down, and face buried in his hands in frustration. He was silently talking to Seungcheol who was also looking worried. Soonyoung knew he shouldn’t listen, but his curiosity won.

“Ji, think about it. You’re hurting him.” Soonyoung’s heart dropped when he heard it. He knew they were both talking about him.

“I know. I just don’t know how to tell him without hurting him, without affecting the team.” Jihoon’s next words was what shattered Soonyoung’s heart. “I love him, I do, he’s my best friend. I just don’t feel it anymore. I thi— think I’m not in love with him anymore.”

Soonyoung covered his mouth with his hands to keep himself from making a sound, but he couldn’t stop the silent tears from falling. He couldn’t stop his world from falling apart even though he knew it was coming. He just didn’t know it was going to hurt so bad.

“I think we’ve been together for so long that it was just easy to stay in the relationship rather than make a fuzz of breaking up.” Jihoon explained. “We’ve been together since we were kids. We barely knew the world then, but now I think that it was just too early for us to settle. I think there were a lot of things that we missed because we were too focus on each other.”

“Ji, I don’t know what to tell you, but stop dragging this out.” Seungcheol stood up and patted Jihoon’s back. “If you love him, then stop hurting him and let him go.”

Soonyoung couldn’t listen anymore so he walked away. At least now he knew the truth, he thought. But it still doesn’t stop his heart from hurting. He wished Jihoon would just go and get it over with. He didn’t know if he could live without the boy, but he must. He was hoping that he wouldn’t be too broken to heal. He went to the rooftop for a bit of privacy. He made up his mind. He took his phone and texted Jihoon.

_Rooftop. I just have something to tell you._

Jihoon arrived in the rooftop just when Soonyoung was about to give up the hope of the boy coming. He took a deep breath and recounted what he was going to say to the man he love most.

_What do you say to the man you love who doesn’t feel the same way anymore? How do you even let go? How do you brave the emptiness that will surely follow once he’s gone?_

“What is it?” Jihoon asked already irritated from being pulled from his work. “I’m swamped right now I can’t—“

“Let’s break up.” Soonyoung said. He was surprised at his own strength. He hardened his eyes and bit his lips. He looked so calm in the outside, but deep inside his world was shattering. Jihoon’s look of surprised and fear didn’t make it any better, but what hurt the most was Jihoon’s look of relief. It was visible to Soonyoung. How as if a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

“Wha— what?” Jihoon asked, not quite sure if he heard him right. He felt ashamed. He felt guilty as the chains around his heart suffocating him started loosening up. He looked at Soonyoung and he knew no matter how cold he acted he was breaking apart. He could see it clearly in his eyes and he felt guilty because for the first time he felt relieved.

“I said let’s break up.” Soonyoung repeated.

“Soons—“ Soonyoung interrupted him. Jihoon didn’t even know what he was going to say.

“Stop Ji. You don’t have to make excuses, I know we’re falling apart, but I was too afraid to admit that even to myself. I— I was afraid that I won’t be able live without you.” Soonyoung explained, fist clenched beside him, hoping it would be enough to keep himself together. “B—but I love you too much to keep you when I know you’re no longer happy.”

“Soons—“

“No, Ji. Just listen, okay?” Soonyoung said. “I know you’re unhappy with me—“

“Soons—“

“No! I told you to listen, so please for once in our life would you let me speak because my courage will fail me any minute and I have to do this before it does.” Soonyoung urgently said as he tried to stop himself from giving in to the pain. “I— I love you Jihoon. My feelings never wavered. I still feel the same way I felt from those days in the cramped dorm rooms on our small bunk beds. I still feel the same way I did when we were struggling to debut. My feelings for you never changed. I don’t need to see the world or experience the world, because you’re my world. But I know I’m not yours. I— I know that you don’t love me anymore, and no matter what I do, I don’t think that I’ll be able to make your feel the way you did for me before and I don’t want you to. I love you too much to for that. I heard what you said to Seungcheol hyung—“

“Soons—“

“Please, please, just listen.” Soonyoung begged. He could feel his courage dissipating as the time to finally say good bye came nearer. “You took the courage so years ago to confess, so let me be the on to do it this time. Let me be the one to break this off, not because I don’t love you, but because I do. I can’t trap you in a relationship knowing how unhappy you are. I love you so much, Jihoon. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. I love you so much, and now I’m letting you go.”

Soonyoung said as he let out a breath that he had been holding in. It wasn’t an exhale of relief. It was Soonyoung finally allowing himself to feel every thing that he had been holding back to be able to say the words that will allow Jihoon to be free. He looked at the boy he loved, the dark circles under his eyes, the weigh on his shoulders, his pale cheeks. It wasn’t the look of someone who was in love. It was the look of someone who was carrying a burden.

He did it. He finally let go. The least he could do for the boy he love was to let go.

“Soonie… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Jihoon grabbed on to Soonyoung’s hand and Soonyoung was too weak to push him away.

Soonyoung was too weak to watch as Jihoon cried, so he pulled Jihoon closer and embraced him, putting so much love and understanding into his his embrace. Soonyoung knew there wasn’t anything to forgive. It wasn’t Jihoon’s fault that he fell out of love, just like it wasn’t his fault that Soonyoung’s heart was breaking.

“It’s okay, Ji. We gave it a try and a good fight. But some fight we win, and some we lose. We lost this one. I don’t regret one bit of it. I love you.”

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” Jihoon said as Soonyoung finally let him go.

Soonyoung hesitated for a bit before leaning in giving him one last peck on the forehead.

“Take care of yourself, Ji.” Soonyoung said as he slowly walked away, leaving Jihoon behind on the rooftop.

Soonyoung walked away, carrying with him all the broken promises, the memories, and the love that he thought would last. He was in the park when his knees finally gave out. He clutched his hand to his fist as if the simple gesture would be enough to keep his breaking heart from completely shattering.When the rain came, so did his tears.


	4. MOVING ON

Weeks following the break up was hell. Soonyoung decided to give himself time to cry but he couldn’t do it in their dorms. Jihoon was there and he couldn’t let the other witness his suffering. It would only make the other boy feel guilty, and that was the last thing he wants. So, he went to his parents where his mother showered him with affection. He told himself he had a week to pull himself together, a week to grieve for his lost love.

He’d be lying to himself if he said he understood the breakup. In some ways he did, but he couldn’t understand Jihoon’s feeling of being trapped because he never felt it. He never really looked at their relationship as something that’s was keeping them from other things, but Jihoon did. Jihoon wanted to experience new things. Jihoon lost the spark. Jihoon lost interest in their love. He couldn’t understand it because he didn’t. He sigh and went back to crying. He just needed a good cry, he told himself. Tomorrow or maybe the next day, everything will be better; and he was right, or he hope he was.

When they first told their teammates of their break up, everyone was worried. They were worried how it would affect the team now that their two pillars where broken up. But they both assured them that they will do everything to make sure it doesn’t affect work or the team. Jeonghan made sure to take extra care of his dongsaengs. Seungcheol and Vernon tried to be more helpful with Jihoon in the studio. Some helped in other ways, like bringing food, cleaning the place a bit, and just keeping the other boy company. All the things that Soonyoung did without fail.

Minghao, Jun, and Dino also made a deal to be more helpful to Soonyoung, not just in choreographing but also in thinking of different ideas and giving their opinions. Soonyoung welcomed the help with open heart. It wasn’t as if the other three were not helpful before, they were just busy especially the china line, that Soonyoung was always left with the bulk of the task. But now, hecould feel that the others were prioritizing in helping him with the choreography, and he never appreciated them more.

Things were slowly getting back to normal, especially for Soonyoung, who seemed to have found his groove back. He was energetic again, and his pale cheeks were now adorned with color. Soonyoung felt he was getting there. Even when he learned from his members that Jihoon went on a date with another guy, it didn’t feel like the world was ending. It seemed that the other boy since their break up had been going to different dates, spending his time with friends partying, and just doing the things that he couldn’t do when he was still with Soonyoung. It used to hurt Soonyoung a lot, but not anymore. His heart finally understood that Jihoon was no longer his to keep. He was just sad, but no longer hurt. Maybe, he moved on. He wasn’t ready to fall in love again, but his heart finally accepted that Jihoon no longer his.

All in all, it took Soonyoung six weeks to finally stop crying alone, and another six weeks to finally feel normal enough to smile. The throb in his heart was still there, but the pain was not as intensified as before, it was somehow muted. It wasn’t pain even, but more of a sadness longing for the past. Just a habit that he needed to break. It took another six weeks for him to finally be able to look at Jihoon without bursting into tears. It took another six weeks for him to finally say he can make it. But it took him a year before he could feel his heart healed, and ready to love again. So, he did.

Mingyu asked him to go with him to meet some of his friends, and he went. When Seokmin invited him to watch a musical, he also accepted the invitation. He started going to art class with Minghao. He wasn’t good, but it made him feel lighter. He also started joining Seungcheol and Jeonghan in their little adventures, like that one time they took a day trip to a nearby waterpark. He almost drowned water skiing, but he felt that it was worth it. He took acrobatic classes, and contemporary dance classes. It was like a new world opened to him. Now that Jihoon was gone, he found himself prioritizing his happiness and taking every opportunity to do something for himself. He went bungee jumping because he wanted to. He bought new shoes because he found it cute. He ate at a new restaurant because he could, inviting Seokmin and Joshua with him. He watched a movie with Vernon. The things that he couldn’t do before because Jihoon was too busy, he did all them with his friends, and he felt happy.

His heart healed, so he could love himself again; the him that he took for granted and often disregarded for Jihoon. The person he felt that he was ready to love again, was himself.


	5. COURAGE AND A LEAP OF FAITH

Jihoon was by the piano just playing some random tune when it hit him. The first few notes flowed freely from his heart. The words followed. By the time he finished a rough draft of a song, he was already crying. The emotions came rushing in, and he was overwhelmed with longing. His throat constricted as he tried to stop himself from making a sound. But it was too much to bear, that he lost control, and the echoes of his sobbed spread throughout the whole room. He looked around and he was alone. He never felt more alone when he glanced at the empty sofa just behind him, a seat that’s used to be occupied by Soonyoung who was always there just doodling in his choreography notebook, or listening to his late night rambles, listening to whatever he played on the piano, and sometimes just watching him as if someone would dare snatched him away if he blink. But that was a year ago, before he was stupid enough to let go of the only good thing in his life. Now, his nights were filled with bright lights from the clubs that he frequent to, flirty touches of random strangers he met, the noise that came along with it, and the high of the freedom to do things without the fear of hurting someone. But he never felt more empty. 

Jihoon thought that his relationship with Soonyoung was the thing that kept him from experiencing life. They got together when they were so young that they rarely had an experience that’s not with each other. He thought that he was missing out on a lot of things that life has to offer. He envied his friends who partied, and dated like there was no tomorrow. There was an endless possibility in life and he couldn’t give it all up for Soonyoung. 

At least that’s what he thought at that time. 

So, he did everything that he wanted to do. He went out with friends. He went to parties. He dated several people, but nothing seemed to fill the emptiness that he felt. All the new things that he wanted to experience, didn’t bring him happiness, instead the shallow hole in the pit of his stomach seemed to just grow bigger. The laughters and smiles on his friends instagram accounts that he used to envy, were just fleeting moments of giddiness and excitement. They were fleeting moments that’s not meant to satisfy you for a lifetime. 

Fleeting. Jihoon thought.

He thought that it was his relationship with Soonyoung that was suffocating him, but it wasn’t. It was just himself. He was looking for fulfillment in the wrong place. He craved for the things that he didn’t have, totally forgetting about the things that he did have. 

He cried harder realizing that he lost everything the night that Soonyoung broke up with him. He didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how his life became an empty shell, with no direction or purpose. He felt stuck in the space between, with nothing to anchor him to life, because he cruelly cut himself free. He was floating because his anchor was selfless enough to drown in the ocean, so he can drift along the sea for new adventures. But now he was lost, and it was too late to go back home.

Jihoon found himself walking out of his studio and walking towards the practice room where he found Soonyoung with the choreography team, just dancing to some random song. Nobody noticed him come in. He sat at the back of the studio and just watched Soonyoung moved, browns pinched in concentration. 

I miss him. Jihoon admitted. His heart finally too weak and too distress to keep up the pretense, that he was okay; that there was nothing wrong. He’d been pretending for the better part of the year that everything was okay; that watching Soonyoung happy without him was not hurting him; that it didn’t scare him every time he wakes up in the morning with the thought that maybe it was the day that Soonyoung would finally fall in love again; that maybe that person would take him away from Jihoon forever; that he didn’t feel jealous every time another member gets too close to Soonyoung; or that he didn’t think about how he used to be the one in that member’s place. 

His reverie was broken when the song finally stopped, and Soonyoung noticed his presence. His heart stopped when Soonyoung smiled at him. 

I love him. I never stopped. Jihoon admitted. He asked himself why he ever thought that he could fall out of love with someone like Soonyoung; that he could forget him; that life was better without him, because it wasn’t. Life sucked without Soonyoung. It was an endless pit of darkness with a few fleeting moment of lightning that doesn’t seem to last. Sparks that he mistakenly thought could brighten his entire life. He had the sun, and he was stupid enough to let him go.

“Jihoonie, what are you doing here?” Soonyoung asked as he took a seat beside Jihoon. He was sweating all over. Jihoon used to hate it when Soonyoung gets too close just after dance practice, but now he welcomed the closeness. 

“D— do you want to get ramen?” Jihoon blurted. The longing made him blurt out the words. Jihoon saw Soonyoung hesitate, and maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny bit of hope that it wasn’t too late. 

“Uhh.. sure.” Soonyoung agreed. “Just let me take a shower.”

They went to a nearby ramen shop, the one they used to visit when they were still trainees. Jihoon had so much to say but he couldn’t make himself talk. He was frozen in fear. It was the first time that they’ve been alone in years, and he didn’t quite know how to act or what to say. They finished their meal in silence. 

They were walking the familiar road home when Jihoon finally got to courage to say what he had been aching to say.

“W— will you go out on a date with me?” Jihoon asked as he stopped walking to face Soonyoung whose face he couldn’t quite read.

“W—what?” Soonyoung asked, not quite sure whether he heard Jihoon right. 

“D—date?” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ji. We had our chance and—“

“And I threw it all away.” Jihoon interrupted. 

“That’s not what I was going to say.” Soonyoung softly said. “We had our chance and it didn’t work out. How will we know it won’t end up the same way?”

Because I’m not stupid anymore. Jihoon thought. 

“Oh, I guess you’re right.” Jihoon said.

They started walking again. When they reached their apartment, they separated to their own rooms without looking back. 

The next day, Jihoon found himself in the studio again. He thought about it, he was sure it won’t end up the same way because he won’t let it. He’d been wandering in life, lost, and he was determined to find his way home. Soonyoung was the one who fought for their relationship when he was the one flailing. This time it’s his turn, and he won’t fail. 

He sat at the back as he waited for Soonyoung to finish his choreography session with the team. Their eyes met, and Jihoon’s heart melted when Soonyoung smiled.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Soonyoung asked surprise at the presence of Jihoon again. 

“I’m hungry.”

“So?”

“I was wondering if you’ll go eat with me.” Jihoon asked.

All I need is a little bit of courage. Jihoon thought. 

Soonyoung contemplated for a minute.

“Sure.” Soonyoung smiled. 

A leapt of faith. Soonyoung thought.

It’s been four weeks since Jihoon first asked Soonyoung to eat ramen; four more weeks since Jihoon started walking Soonyoung home; another four weeks since Jihoon found himself reaching for Soonyoung’s hand who escaped his touch; four more weeks when Soonyoung finally allowed Jihoon to hold his hand; four more weeks when Jihoon finally had the courage to kiss Soonyoung’s cheeks good night; four more weeks when he left a peck on his lips; another week until Soonyoung returned the kiss; another four weeks until Jihoon had the courage to ask the question; and another four week until Soonyoung said yes and Jihoon was home again.


End file.
